it’s these quiet, misty nights i feel right in. all you need is one desk lamp and a lingering chill. i don’t think it matters how ordinary you are during the day. right now you could be anything.
i try to remind myself to look upon the human animal with some forgiveness. i try to remember it is not reasonable or accurate to simply focus on the frustrations — the mob’s reluctance to self-educate, to actively grow and expand and evolve, to take responsibility for overseeing Boring Things, to inhabit and wield its power — and forget the often-realised capacity for great kindness, great generosity, great ingenuity.
i try to remind myself that my opinions are fallible. i try to remind myself that my ire could be off the mark. it’s all very academic.
but when i am not bothered by all this even-handed middling, i am just exasperated. i am pissed off. i think 90% of the time we are dropping the ball en mass. and i don’t understand why.
we (australians) made a terrible mistake. and i don’t say this as a once-labor, now-greens voter. i don’t say this on the basis of any personal ideology. i say it on the basis of our current people-government dynamic. we voted in a party that treats us with genuine contempt. they refuse to give us the information we demand of them (see: refugees), they refuse to work within the guidelines we set for them (see: every part of the budget/medicare) and they refuse to right themselves when we tell them they’re off course (see: everything). they fail to meet every important KPI of democratic governance. they do not acknowledge us as their big boss. they barely acknowledge us at all, except to manage and cajole us with bullshit, as you would unruly offspring.
why are people so angry about medicare? is it because they’re communists? no. it’s because we’ve all said, again and again, that universal healthcare is important to us. we have said that universal healthcare is a bipartisan priority, and it is a societal marker that we all take some pride from. when you tell that to your government, it is the job of your government to make it so. it is the job of your government to realise and bring about the demands being placed upon it by its constituents. and it doesn’t matter which party you are… up to that point, the process is the same: everyone in country tells you to do something, you begin to do it. ideology comes in AFTER that, during the logistics stage. if you’re a filthy right winger, you kill all the homeless people to pay for it. if you’re a lefty, you tax everyone to pay for it. but no matter which side of the line you fall on, when your board of directors AKA the entire country tells you to do something, you fucking do it.
in australia, with our current government, ideology is stepping in too soon. it is acting as a noise gate. our government has an ideological focus on advancing the interests of the tiniest minority, and anyone outside of that particular grouping does not get a say. we exist only as obstacles to be sidestepped.
that is why we have made a mistake. we (and in this ‘we’ i reluctantly include the ignorant, racist, uninformed fucks who once LOVED TONY) don’t get a say with this lot, even on issues being universally protested. i don’t agree with the liberal agenda, but if there were some sense that national outcry could effect change within that agenda, i would not be gripped by this ambiguous fear. if there were some sense that national interest could in some way play a part in federal policy, i would not be gripped by this ambiguous fear. if there were some tiny sense that the government were actually there to govern the country and not raze it for profit, i would not be gripped by this ambiguous fear.
but as it stands, we’re at the mercy of administrators who cannot abide us. we’re in their way. our expectations are in their way. our demands are in their way. we have no power here.
part of me, quietly, says that it makes sense. the government treats us like fuckwits because its election proves that a majority of us are. a majority of our citizenry have no business making decisions for the country — that much is clear. but as people said to me on election night: welcome to democracy. welcome to democracy, abbott, hockey, PYNE (YOU FUCKING WORM), the rest of you. do your goddam job.
imagine if people had taken the time to THINK about electing a government with no clear policies. their main platform was: we’re not them.
imagine if our voting system was BETTER. imagine if you couldn’t register a name ballot. imagine if you had to fill out a questionnaire, and it only asked you questions about what you wanted. parties would nominate the answers that most-closely resembled their policies/ideologies and the vote would be distributed that way.
Q. How important do you think universal access to healthcare is?
- A: Very important
- B: Neutral
- C. Not important
that’s how you’d get your mandate.
remind me to make a table referencing how much different categories of human are worth in online marketing. tweens VS pregnant women, et cetera.
a snapshot of my thoughts every hour throughout a 10-hour shift
- sarah hanson-young is a great politician. authentic, informed, articulate. i can’t think of any pollies, right now, whom i’d consider more like-able or possessed of such quiet competence.
- bill shorten is starting to give me the shits with his repetitive slogans. dial it back, speech writers. when shorten speaks off the cuff, when he speaks for himself, he is very believable and quite charismatic. the other day, he said something like, “pensioners, we’ll take care of them” and it sounded true. it was the only thing that sounded true. the rest of his speech — the overuse of tony’s name, the overuse of ‘broken promises’ and ‘if it looks like a tax/a tax is a tax is a tax’ et cetera — became fucking intolerable very quickly.
- tony abbott needs to wash his ears. honestly. this is a bipartisan truth.
- boku haram in nigeria. did i hear correctly? 230 girls kidnapped, then 300 others killed? so we’re at 530 victims? ~500 to go until we hit the groundswell of rage we need to move on something?
I’ve spent the night working on a new project. It is fun. Exciting, even. And it was sparked, in part, by my plans to return home soon. I think there is something to be said for choosing the right place to hang your hat.
In unrelated news, today I added this to my to-do list: “Learn how to journal, then do it properly on UBERWENSCH.”
So that is happening.
i wrote my friend this note the other day. i thought she may have been sad, maybe, so i wrote her this big note and it was all very true and very earnest and i felt pretty uncomfortable copping to all these pure feelings of adoration, despite the fact they contained nothing unwelcome or untoward. i was trying to say, you know, you’re BEYOND BEYOND. you’re exceptional. no matter what, you’re gonna be someone in this world. and everyone cares for you. i hope you’re okay. so i said those things, but it was round-a-bout and illustrated rather than up-front. man, her response. it was one of those weird moments when someone steps up as your translator. one of those moments we mostly get to see in movies — in fictions — because i think they’re important to us and i think they’re rare. they feel strange, and there is this delay between hearing a thing and processing it, and then this spreading sense of wonder. like, oh. right. someone just looked THROUGH me and took it all in.
so i handed my friend this big bullshit fucking expression, all tangled up and peppered with disclaimers. i guess she reached into it and figured it out. she said, “i love you too.”
delay. then. oh.
why didn’t i just say that, anyway? why didn’t i know i was trying to say that?
and how often can you reveal yourself to the people around you, before it seems disingenuous or pointless or worthless somehow?
because right then i realised i love a lot of people. people i don’t see that often. people i don’t talk to much. people who were kind to me, or kind to others, or who have great and expanding minds. people who build things and share things and are gonna be someone in this world.
i fucking love these people, internethomies. but it feels like some sort of secret.
the only problem with having a free and eager mind is being able to see what’s in there, and the rife disappointment that follows.
i mean. shouldn’t i have deeper thoughts than these? shouldn’t the world weigh a little heavier on me?
do i consider myself a serious person? an earnest thinker? can i?
because, real talk, it’s little more than an easter hat parade up there. just the rattle and hiccup of things i am hearing for the first time, the soft purr of stimulation, novelty upon novelty upon novelty. and. you know. a running dialogue with myself about myself, always in this weird first-person plural ‘we’. we who? are there two of us in here? the inane narcissist and the earnest thinker?
bottom line: between the two of us, there’s nothing universal, nothing noble. no insights. and now, no excuses.
winter days return with their covert light.
one time, when i worked in the city, instead of going straight home — that is, instead of crossing the bridge and going directly up the hill — i took the long way. i detoured for an hour, maybe two. i skated this long, lazy loop around the harbour, via the restaurants and the playground and the water feature. it was getting chillier every night, and the dark came earlier each day. we were getting purple sunsets instead of red sunsets, but it was all just beginning and i loved it, so i traipsed through it, and through the throngs of people meeting for dinner or drinks or power-walking to their waterfront apartments. i traipsed through their nice shirts, their heels, their white collars. i loved them for being so handsome, so pretty. no one expected me home, or maybe it just felt that way. i took my time. i sat on all the benches i saw. i took a different foot bridge, took a different connecting street, turned left a little later. it was the start of something. it cut through all the grey. i felt very free. just totally unrestrained, unkept.
and there was this light breeze, and it eddied around that new purple haze, around those pretty people. it was special. and it was nothing.
these past few weeks i have been feeling like that a lot.
whatever this is, it comes with enough satisfaction and enough longing, for now. it is workable.
and here is a comfort. it still feels the same to scour the infinite web for something. going node to node, looking for spark or seed or one thing that might give you goosebumps. seeking gibran, plath. seeking williams, bukowski, the guy who wrote howl. seeking whitman. i who was visible become invisible.
that same wonder. the joy of it. and o, what a relief. what gratitude balloons in me! that i did not kill it, that i did not let it die or trade it in for a bare fistful of sheckels. what a gift, what a debt i owe.