19
Apr 15

Untitled

I must worry now, I guess, that when I listen to beautiful music, someone will die. Or they will try to. They will move towards death, or be moved. It will come towards them. I will see sunlight filtered through the wood, I will see the blues and the greens and the golden glow in technicolour hue, and they will inch down the passage.

I wonder sometimes why I can be overcome like that. How can you go — in a moment, a slim and nothing moment — from your state of natural equilibrium, your relative comfort, your composure… from all that, straight to faithless, haunted. There is nothing, and then there arrives a brutality on your senses, a loss. A crumpling. With just a string, or a whistle, you fly back there, and the light filters through the wood, and there are blues and greens and that straw-gold glow, and the song finishes, and your friend is no more.

People try to convince me all the time that there is a veil around me, that I am awash in the light and love of my ancestors. That we all are. That there is proof. That we can attribute our wins to those we’ve lost. That it was my grandfather, my great grandmother, who kept me safe, got me home, made me smile. People I loved, and miss. People that meant a lot to me, but who are gone now. And I let everyone talk, I laugh with them, I mirror their excitement. They tell me their stories, about balloons, about lights, or smells, or coins. I listen and I go with them and I hope they are okay. But I am untouched. I don’t see it. I can’t see my way to it, to any of it. It is not there for me. It just… isn’t.

But some days. Some days I wish it were there. I wish I could see it. I wish that I could be told there is cancer and I could feel assured that someone would handle it. I wish I could believe that there exists in this world, still, the quiet power of my grandfather. That my kind, little nana still sings her sweet songs.

Instead it is just us, and it is uncertainty, and it is the idea we will all be lonely one day, we will all be without our mum, we will all lose our dad. There is cancer and there is loss and there is beautiful music to store it all in.


08
Apr 15

Untitled

dear diary,

it’s been months. months and months and months and months. i hope you’re well. me? i’ve been working. toil toil toil. crunchin’ numbers, breaking down the universe, building it back up. what is mass? you know. tenth grade stuff. unanswered stuff.

have i ever been happier?

i bought a surface pro. what a joy. take notes on this thing and you are living in the future. i can just drag bits over from google. i’ve got diagrams everywhere. underlines. highlights. colour coordination. facts! arrows! arrows, and vectors. SAME TOOL, DIFFERENT NOTATION.

sidenote: “your notation is a crime” — add it to the PRAISE FOR MEG WHITE page i used to have. straight-faced feedback.

well. i apologise. i’m a recovering journalist.

anyway, don’t mind me. i’m just re-forming over here. crunchin’ numbers. checkin’ boxes.

miss you, always.


12
Dec 14

Untitled

jubilant midnight!

i have been chipping away. chipping chipping chipping. not committing to one path or another, just doing the things that straddle each. but with my move home, with the end of this study year approaching, i finally decided. and i am jubilant!

it’s been a rare thing for me, in life, to choose what is difficult. and, not so curiously, it has been a rare thing for me to feel a cavernous joy at my prospects in the world. but tonight, both.

the last time it happened, i was stepping off a train. it was the morning after i quit my Career Job, so maybe i’ve mentioned this. as soon as my foot touched the platform i was swallowed by a mass of bodies. it pushed me up the stairs, down the road, across the street — this mass — and through the gates of the university of sydney. and the whole way there, i was jubilant. i stopped worrying about what i’d done, i experienced this hyperdramatic one-ness with everything. ‘oh, the sun!’ i thought. ‘it has simply never warmed me in this way!’ oh, the buzzing of youth! oh, the rigorous pursuit of knowledge! the academy! oh oh oh!

months — years! — of grind and complaint and discontent were washed away in a moment. and since then i’ve been chipping, getting closer to MORE of that feeling. glimpsing it, gathering it up.

and tonight, as i delighted in this mathematics, as i imagined all the things i will be able to learn and understand, i felt it again. oh, the physics! the astrophysics! the STRUCTURE OF METALS! the data! the universe! the truth! oh oh oh. more of that refreshing glee. excitement.

i’ve been worrying, you know, about my age. starting now, best case scenario, i finish my EE degree at 31? then there’s masters or a phd to consider. and maybe that’s too old. and maybe i can’t learn all the maths i need to learn. and maybe i should just hedge my bets, do something similar but simpler.

i’ve been worrying.

but tonight, with this mathematics, it all just washed away in a moment,


05
Oct 14

Untitled

there’s enough, there’s enough, then there’s not.

so you sit down. you listen to this music. you dream of a sea spray. a mist of it.

and that’s enough.


10
Jun 14

Untitled

it’s these quiet, misty nights i feel right in. all you need is one desk lamp and a lingering chill. i don’t think it matters how ordinary you are during the day. right now you could be anything.


30
May 14

Untitled

i try to remind myself to look upon the human animal with some forgiveness. i try to remember it is not reasonable or accurate to simply focus on the frustrations — the mob’s reluctance to self-educate, to actively grow and expand and evolve, to take responsibility for overseeing Boring Things, to inhabit and wield its power — and forget the often-realised capacity for great kindness, great generosity, great ingenuity.

i try to remind myself that my opinions are fallible. i try to remind myself that my ire could be off the mark. it’s all very academic.

but when i am not bothered by all this even-handed middling, i am just exasperated. i am pissed off. i think 90% of the time we are dropping the ball en mass. and i don’t understand why.

 


30
May 14

Untitled

we (australians) made a terrible mistake. and i don’t say this as a once-labor, now-greens voter. i don’t say this on the basis of any personal ideology. i say it on the basis of our current people-government dynamic. we voted in a party that treats us with genuine contempt. they refuse to give us the information we demand of them (see: refugees), they refuse to work within the guidelines we set for them (see: every part of the budget/medicare) and they refuse to right themselves when we tell them they’re off course (see: everything). they fail to meet every important KPI of democratic governance. they do not acknowledge us as their big boss. they barely acknowledge us at all, except to manage and cajole us with bullshit, as you would unruly offspring.

why are people so angry about medicare? is it because they’re communists? no. it’s because we’ve all said, again and again, that universal healthcare is important to us. we have said that universal healthcare is a bipartisan priority, and it is a societal marker that we all take some pride from. when you tell that to your government, it is the job of your government to make it so. it is the job of your government to realise and bring about the demands being placed upon it by its constituents. and it doesn’t matter which party you are… up to that point, the process is the same: everyone in country tells you to do something, you begin to do it. ideology comes in AFTER that, during the logistics stage. if you’re a filthy right winger, you kill all the homeless people to pay for it. if you’re a lefty, you tax everyone to pay for it. but no matter which side of the line you fall on, when your board of directors AKA the entire country tells you to do something, you fucking do it.

in australia, with our current government, ideology is stepping in too soon. it is acting as a noise gate. our government has an ideological focus on advancing the interests of the tiniest minority, and anyone outside of that particular grouping does not get a say. we exist only as obstacles to be sidestepped.

that is why we have made a mistake. we (and in this ‘we’ i reluctantly include the ignorant, racist, uninformed fucks who once LOVED TONY) don’t get a say with this lot, even on issues being universally protested. i don’t agree with the liberal agenda, but if there were some sense that national outcry could effect change within that agenda, i would not be gripped by this ambiguous fear. if there were some sense that national interest could in some way play a part in federal policy, i would not be gripped by this ambiguous fear. if there were some tiny sense that the government were actually there to govern the country and not raze it for profit, i would not be gripped by this ambiguous fear.

but as it stands, we’re at the mercy of administrators who cannot abide us. we’re in their way. our expectations are in their way. our demands are in their way. we have no power here.

**

part of me, quietly, says that it makes sense. the government treats us like fuckwits because its election proves that a majority of us are. a majority of our citizenry have no business making decisions for the country — that much is clear. but as people said to me on election night: welcome to democracy. welcome to democracy, abbott, hockey, PYNE (YOU FUCKING WORM), the rest of you. do your goddam job.

**

imagine if people had taken the time to THINK about electing a government with no clear policies. their main platform was: we’re not them.

imagine if our voting system was BETTER. imagine if you couldn’t register a name ballot. imagine if you had to fill out a questionnaire, and it only asked you questions about what you wanted. parties would nominate the answers that most-closely resembled their policies/ideologies and the vote would be distributed that way.

Q. How important do you think universal access to healthcare is?

  • A: Very important
  • B: Neutral
  • C. Not important

that’s how you’d get your mandate.


11
May 14

Untitled

remind me to make a table referencing how much different categories of human are worth in online marketing. tweens VS pregnant women, et cetera.


11
May 14

Untitled

a snapshot of my thoughts every hour throughout a 10-hour shift


08
May 14

things i wanted to say to someone while watching the news

  • sarah hanson-young is a great politician. authentic, informed, articulate. i can’t think of any pollies, right now, whom i’d consider more like-able or possessed of such quiet competence.
  • bill shorten is starting to give me the shits with his repetitive slogans. dial it back, speech writers. when shorten speaks off the cuff, when he speaks for himself, he is very believable and quite charismatic. the other day, he said something like, “pensioners, we’ll take care of them” and it sounded true. it was the only thing that sounded true. the rest of his speech — the overuse of tony’s name, the overuse of ‘broken promises’ and ‘if it looks like a tax/a tax is a tax is a tax’ et cetera — became fucking intolerable very quickly.
  • tony abbott needs to wash his ears. honestly. this is a bipartisan truth.
  • boku haram in nigeria. did i hear correctly? 230 girls kidnapped, then 300 others killed? so we’re at 530 victims? ~500 to go until we hit the groundswell of rage we need to move on something?